Boundaries are talked about often in social media and therapy. It is a skill that many of us have not perfected and in a lot of ways are intimidated by. The idea of prioritizing our needs over others can be an unnerving concept. People pleasing tendencies or being parentified at an early age by emotionally immature parents can create this paradox. Our behaviors, thoughts and self-image develop at an early age. Our parents or caregivers are at the forefront in shaping how we view the world and ourselves. The lack of unconditional love, positive reinforcement, attention along with not feeling safe can create negative self-talk and doubt within us. This internal dialogue can carry into our adulthood and make it difficult to speak up for ourselves with others.
Reasons why you may have trouble setting boundaries.
- When you tried to express yourself as a child you were dismissed and/or your feelings were minimized.
- You did not feel safe in your home environment to share what was on your mind.
- Another sibling was prioritized over you due to them having a disability so you didn’t want to ask for help and be “another” problem.
- Parents had marital issues that caused conflict in the home, which made you not want to speak up.
- Emotional abuse occurred during disagreements with adults in house, which made you hide or make yourself small.
- Parents were unable to provide emotional support, which in return made you feel isolated with things you were struggling with.
- Lack of communication within the household did not allow you to learn how to manage your emotions.
- Trying your best in sports or school to get your parents attention and/or approval because they were critical most of the time.
These are just some examples of what can cause adults to become people pleasers due to childhood experiences. There are many circumstances in people’s lives that interfere with their relationships. Learning to break these patterns of thinking and becoming confident in prioritizing yourself can feel like an impossible task. Many people seek therapy and strategies to help disengage this type of people pleasing tendencies and one of the best ways is believing how people treat you. Learning to no longer make excuses for others and truly seeing them for who they are. Self-awareness is key for any form of change. See how they treat you. Believe how they treat you. And decide whether they deserve to be in your life.
How they treat you, is how they feel about you. Believe them!
Some strategies that can be helpful in setting boundaries include:
- Understanding the interactions with the people in your life that you find unhealthy.
- Identifying the triggers within the communication style between each other.
- What type of disrespect are you experiencing within the interactions.
- Is there a lack of listening, understanding and validating?
- Are they able to take accountability towards their treatment towards you?
- How are you managing your reactions to them?
- Express what you are not okay with anymore and see if they are able to respect boundary,
- Create space between each other if interactions do not improve.
- Even though you may set a boundary does not mean they will adjust or see your perspective.
The hope of setting boundaries is that the person you address this issue with will see how they are impacting you and adjust how they communicate with you. Unfortunately, more times than not there is push back to this new form of communication, which creates more distance between the two people. Many people grieve these relationships because nothing changes and they realize they cannot have them in their life. One of the hardest things to realize is having to cut family members or even close friends out of your life to improve your mental health. It can be a tremendous loss and take time to heal from this loss.
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” -Brene Brown